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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Aloneness is not the same as lonliness

As I lay in bed last night drifting off to sleep I thought about my sisters.  You see, one of them recently had a birthday and wrote about the wonderful present her hubby gave her.  I can't tell you how happy it makes me to know my sister is happy.
I thought about a time in my past when I was a young mother, still married, and determined to honor God to the best of my ability in my marriage.  My three sisters where all, at that time, single.  I envied them so much, I wondered what it must be like to be so 'free'.  
Funny how life changes things.  Here we are nearly two decades later and they are all very happilly married and I am divorced.  
So, as I lay in bed thinking about all this, I thought about the fact that they all have someone to snuggle with tonight as they go to sleep.  
Then, I thought, "Hmmm, I don't know if I am sad that I don't have a snuggle buddy or not".  You see my ex was a big sweater and I hated touching him when he slept, not to mention he preferred a big pillow over me.  
I thought about the commitment that comes with snuggling and realized I am not ready to give up part of myself in a committed relationship just so I can snuggle.  So.... I sleep alone.  No worries, I have a nice big dog that sleeps on the floor next to me and the sound of her snoring reminds me that I am not alone.  
So, back to the subject at hand - "Aloneness is not the same as lonliness".  Yesterday I did feel a bit alone, because I have a lot on my shoulders in life and sometimes it is a bit overwhelming.  I thought about how nice it might be to have someone I could rely on to help me in my life and be my 'partner'.  However, so far I have not found anyone that I have felt would make a good life partner for me.  So... I plug on alone.  But.... not lonely.  Nope, first of all I have God.  I can talk to Him and ask for his help.  Second I have a teenage son at home that I still need to cook for and tend to.  Third, I have friends and from time to time I get together with them.  But when I am alone, I garden, practice neat recipies, play my guitar, write letters, etc.... and when evening comes around I don't have to have a hot meal on the table.  When bedtime comes around I don't have to 'feel' sexy.  I just pass out in bed.  When I am writing in a journal I don't have to give explanation as to what I am writing about or is every thing ok?  I just write. Alone life can be quite fulfilling most of the time.  Call me strange, but it's true for me.  I eat what I want most of the time.  I wear what I want.  I decorate how I want.  
Now, some may say "But what about growing old, don't you want someone to grow old with?".  Well, I have given that thought, and maybe I will have someone to grow old with one day.  But today I am not old.  I have not yet found anyone that I truly look forward to spending my 'old' years with.  I don't want to be a caretaker, I don't want be held back by someone's lack of enthusiasm for life, and up to this point my options have not proven to be very promising.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know there are many very nice men out there.  But I am a little bit too much for most of them, when it comes to personality.  But I am not enough when it comes to looking like a playboy bunny.  What can I say, I am a naturalist and to some men, thats a turn off.  Oh well.  Like I said, I continue on living my life the way I want to.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those women that doesn't shave.  I like to be WOMAN.  But, I don't want to have to compromise anything about myself just to keep a man happy.  And likewise I would not expect a man to feel the need to compromise himself. So, for now I live.... alone. But, not lonely!


  1. Tina, love your attitude. Right now I hate being alone. I wish I could share this experience with Liz but I have to walk through this valley alone. But, boy is it going to great on the other side. See you in 30 days - I'll be better. In the meantime, you go have dinner with Liz. Tell her it's on me...

  2. This was a very good post Tina...it's good to see our circumstances as "what they are" and not as obstacles, and to actually turn them around and make them 'good'. :)

    I love you! :)