I thought about a time in my past when I was a young mother, still married, and determined to honor God to the best of my ability in my marriage. My three sisters where all, at that time, single. I envied them so much, I wondered what it must be like to be so 'free'.
Funny how life changes things. Here we are nearly two decades later and they are all very happilly married and I am divorced.
So, as I lay in bed thinking about all this, I thought about the fact that they all have someone to snuggle with tonight as they go to sleep.
Then, I thought, "Hmmm, I don't know if I am sad that I don't have a snuggle buddy or not". You see my ex was a big sweater and I hated touching him when he slept, not to mention he preferred a big pillow over me.
I thought about the commitment that comes with snuggling and realized I am not ready to give up part of myself in a committed relationship just so I can snuggle. So.... I sleep alone. No worries, I have a nice big dog that sleeps on the floor next to me and the sound of her snoring reminds me that I am not alone.
So, back to the subject at hand - "Aloneness is not the same as lonliness". Yesterday I did feel a bit alone, because I have a lot on my shoulders in life and sometimes it is a bit overwhelming. I thought about how nice it might be to have someone I could rely on to help me in my life and be my 'partner'. However, so far I have not found anyone that I have felt would make a good life partner for me. So... I plug on alone. But.... not lonely. Nope, first of all I have God. I can talk to Him and ask for his help. Second I have a teenage son at home that I still need to cook for and tend to. Third, I have friends and from time to time I get together with them. But when I am alone, I garden, practice neat recipies, play my guitar, write letters, etc.... and when evening comes around I don't have to have a hot meal on the table. When bedtime comes around I don't have to 'feel' sexy. I just pass out in bed. When I am writing in a journal I don't have to give explanation as to what I am writing about or is every thing ok? I just write. Alone life can be quite fulfilling most of the time. Call me strange, but it's true for me. I eat what I want most of the time. I wear what I want. I decorate how I want.
Now, some may say "But what about growing old, don't you want someone to grow old with?". Well, I have given that thought, and maybe I will have someone to grow old with one day. But today I am not old. I have not yet found anyone that I truly look forward to spending my 'old' years with. I don't want to be a caretaker, I don't want be held back by someone's lack of enthusiasm for life, and up to this point my options have not proven to be very promising. Now, don't get me wrong, I know there are many very nice men out there. But I am a little bit too much for most of them, when it comes to personality. But I am not enough when it comes to looking like a playboy bunny. What can I say, I am a naturalist and to some men, thats a turn off. Oh well. Like I said, I continue on living my life the way I want to. Now don't get me wrong, I am not one of those women that doesn't shave. I like to be WOMAN. But, I don't want to have to compromise anything about myself just to keep a man happy. And likewise I would not expect a man to feel the need to compromise himself. So, for now I live.... alone. But, not lonely!