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Monday, February 1, 2010

Looking back on dreams had, dreams lost, and the hope of dreams to come.........

Good Morning,
It's Monday, the beginning of a brand new week. I feel like I got a lot of things taken care of this weekend. Went through stacks of paperwork, Cleaned up my bedroom (which looked like a dressing room in a women's boutique after a huge sale), and managed to spend time with people I love. Going through the stacks of paperwork and old photos always gives opportunity for pondering, if for just a moment or two, on the past. As I picked up each folder and piece of paper I came across yet another bit of my own history. I even found the receipt for my and my x husbands original wedding bands that we purchased in 1984. Yikes. Weird. I don't even know what happened to that wedding band. Oh well.
I came across cute pics of my kids, loving cards that had been given to me by my sisters, etc...
Yet, something was different last night. It seemed easier to go through that stuff this time. Not as emotional. (I say this because I am an emotional woman, and strolling through memory lane can get me a bit teary eyed at times - mainly because I deal with regret alot). Anyways.... I found that even though I felt a twinge of sadness as I drifted through those memories, I also felt a new feeling. Not sure if I can even put a word to it. It was like I felt 'older'... like I have moved into a different place in life. The place you move into slowly as your children grow up and move away, the place you move into as you go through big changes in life. I just felt sort of like a more solid person. Like much of what I was looking at was so much of what has made me who I am. Like it or not! I am the woman that married at 19, who raised three kids with a man that was about as experienced in taking care of a family as I am at changing my oil. I am that woman that wrote pages and pages as I journaled my children's lives as they grew up. I am the woman that studies Scripture so deeply I wrote complete Bible studies to share at women's groups. I am the woman that was given love notes by my children so often I could make a scrapbook with the ones I saved over the years. Wow, what a life I have had. No wonder I often feel like an old lady ready for the rocker. AND YET... I am only 44 years old. My goodness. I am not an old woman. I haven't even gone to college completely yet for goodness sake. I have a manuscript with dust all over it that I have yet to finish for fear of the inability to get it published. I have not done many of the things I dreamed of doing for many years. Even though it does seem that some of those dreams have diminished with the changes that have taken place in my life over the last few years. The dream I had of hiking the Grand Canyon - left with the aches and pains that have invited themselves into my body. The dream of living in a neat home out in the country - gone with divorce and extreme financial hardships. The dream of being financially strong in my older years - gone with divorce and bad financial mistakes. So many dreams... gone! In fact, I can't really remember what dreams I really had. I think my biggest dream is to get a good book published before I die. At this point in my life I am not concentrating on dreams. Rather, I concentrate on being here for a teenage son as he goes through high school and prepares for life ahead. I concentrate on making enough to pay bills before they are cut off. I have to hold on to hope that one day..... I will once again have a collection of papers and such to go through that will bring some good memories back. Hope that dreams of things I 'want to do someday' will once again be a part of my life. Dreams that life can be better. This chapter is just not that wonderful.

1 comment:

  1. Even I was deep in depression after reading your last two posts. Stop. Stop writing and start living! Every trial you have come through has served to make you stronger and wiser. Every hill you have climbed has strengthened you and made you see the view that is at the top. Open your eyes wide and see the blessings that abound around you. Don't run back down to the valley and sit and wring your hands. You know what hope is in you; hold on to it tightly. Write of the joys of life. You have family and friends and a God who loves you.

    I have a post-it note above my computer. On it I wrote a thought I had the other day that I wanted to save for a future post on my blog. It is an idea I had to encourage Christians to get out of their comfort zone of hanging around just their friends from church and spend some time with the lost people of this world. The note reads, "You should hang out with lost people if for no other reason than to see how damned lucky you are!" I guess this note was meant for you...