depression sucks!

I have always struggled with depression, sometimes lightly, sometimes a little more severe. Recently I read an article where a woman wrote about a friend that would call her crying so hard that she could not understand a word she said. I have been that woman on more occasions than I would like to admit. A few years ago I finally came to a place that scared me, I was truly ready, (I felt) to end my life. I called my sister at 5 a.m. (I would have called at 3 a.m. but I didn't want to wake her). I told her I really wanted to jump in front of an 18 wheeler that day. I could no longer go on with my life. She pointed me in the right direction, I got help, was diagnosed with clinical depression, put on a great med and have not experienced the severity of that feeling since then. As anyone smart person would do when diagnosed with a disease, I began to study and find out whatever I could about depression. I had to accept it as a disease just as a person who is diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.. would. I had an illness and it needed to be treated. I learned in time that just as one must change their diet if they have diabetes, that a person with depression would need to change their thinking. Instead of allowing myself to wallow in negative or sad thoughts throughout a day I would have to train myself to stop and purposely find positive things to think on. This may not seem so hard to some people. I mean, hey, to me, eating healthy is not hard, but it is to the overweight person with diabetes. My problem was mental and I had a hard time accepting that due to many factors:

1. Our society really frowns on any mental illness.

2. People who don't have this problem think you should be able to 'get a grip'.

3. Nothing can be THAT bad.

Well, I found out that the serotonin levels in our brains can actually be dropped drastically by a particular instance in life that is either tragic, or in some way mind/emotion altering. For me personally, I was able to literrally point out the moment in my life when that thing happened. I also found out that what some may think is simply weird treatment toward another person, can actually also be considered abuse. I was sexually abused in several different ways, including mentally. I also experienced a tremendous amount of rejection, shame, embarrassment, abandonment, along with other things in my childhood/young adulthood. I married early because I desperately did not want to be alone. I did not know or allow myself to realize that inside of me was a strong, beautiful, creative person. I allowed myself to believe the lies that had been spoken over me in my lifetime, I believed I was dumb, fat, ignorant, poor, etc...
It has taken me most of my adult lifetime to find a doorway to freedom from this disease; I still take medication. I will not go off of it until or unless I know that I am ready. Everyday I have to remind myself that I am worthwhile, that I am a good person and that I have a reason for living.
Some may not believe that medication is the way to go, they may call it a cop out. I can only say to those people, "good luck if you ever get an illness that requires medication".
As a young Christian woman, I prayed a lot! I read every self help book on the shelf. I thought that maybe I needed to help others in need, so I counseled women that were hurting. I exercised, I ate right, I did it all. Yet I still found myself with a piece of glass at my wrist one day thinking maybe it was time to just be finished with this pain.

So, to those who feel medication is a cop out..... ask your parents what would happen if they stopped taking their blood pressure med.

To those who feel that taking vitamins is the only option.... let me know if it works after you've been raped.

I think you get the picture. Depression is a disease, it is hard and not fun. Like I said earlier, I do not have the terrible crying days like I did before as that woman wrote about. However I do still have days where I question my reason for being here. Where I doubt my self worth. But I have also found that there is only one person who can bring me out of this when I am there and that is ME!

So, in my quest to improve MENTALLY I hope to be a help to others who not only stuggle with depression, but also to those who do not understand it.

Life is hard oftentimes, and for some it is harder than others. Some people seem to be able to handle stress with not much problem, but some can hardly get through a stressful day without reaching for something to dull the pain.

In other words. We all have our little demons we must fight in life. This is mine. I will put him in his place daily and do whatever works to make my life less stressful and more meaningful.

I also remind myself daily that I am important and loved by many.

Enjoy today friend.....make it the best!