depression sucks!

I have always struggled with depression, sometimes lightly, sometimes a little more severe. Recently I read an article where a woman wrote about a friend that would call her crying so hard that she could not understand a word she said. I have been that woman on more occasions than I would like to admit. A few years ago I finally came to a place that scared me, I was truly ready, (I felt) to end my life. I called my sister at 5 a.m. (I would have called at 3 a.m. but I didn't want to wake her). I told her I really wanted to jump in front of an 18 wheeler that day. I could no longer go on with my life. She pointed me in the right direction, I got help, was diagnosed with clinical depression, put on a great med and have not experienced the severity of that feeling since then. As anyone smart person would do when diagnosed with a disease, I began to study and find out whatever I could about depression. I had to accept it as a disease just as a person who is diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.. would. I had an illness and it needed to be treated. I learned in time that just as one must change their diet if they have diabetes, that a person with depression would need to change their thinking. Instead of allowing myself to wallow in negative or sad thoughts throughout a day I would have to train myself to stop and purposely find positive things to think on. This may not seem so hard to some people. I mean, hey, to me, eating healthy is not hard, but it is to the overweight person with diabetes. My problem was mental and I had a hard time accepting that due to many factors:

1. Our society really frowns on any mental illness.

2. People who don't have this problem think you should be able to 'get a grip'.

3. Nothing can be THAT bad.

Well, I found out that the serotonin levels in our brains can actually be dropped drastically by a particular instance in life that is either tragic, or in some way mind/emotion altering. For me personally, I was able to literrally point out the moment in my life when that thing happened. I also found out that what some may think is simply weird treatment toward another person, can actually also be considered abuse. I was sexually abused in several different ways, including mentally. I also experienced a tremendous amount of rejection, shame, embarrassment, abandonment, along with other things in my childhood/young adulthood. I married early because I desperately did not want to be alone. I did not know or allow myself to realize that inside of me was a strong, beautiful, creative person. I allowed myself to believe the lies that had been spoken over me in my lifetime, I believed I was dumb, fat, ignorant, poor, etc...
It has taken me most of my adult lifetime to find a doorway to freedom from this disease; I still take medication. I will not go off of it until or unless I know that I am ready. Everyday I have to remind myself that I am worthwhile, that I am a good person and that I have a reason for living.
Some may not believe that medication is the way to go, they may call it a cop out. I can only say to those people, "good luck if you ever get an illness that requires medication".
As a young Christian woman, I prayed a lot! I read every self help book on the shelf. I thought that maybe I needed to help others in need, so I counseled women that were hurting. I exercised, I ate right, I did it all. Yet I still found myself with a piece of glass at my wrist one day thinking maybe it was time to just be finished with this pain.

So, to those who feel medication is a cop out..... ask your parents what would happen if they stopped taking their blood pressure med.

To those who feel that taking vitamins is the only option.... let me know if it works after you've been raped.

I think you get the picture. Depression is a disease, it is hard and not fun. Like I said earlier, I do not have the terrible crying days like I did before as that woman wrote about. However I do still have days where I question my reason for being here. Where I doubt my self worth. But I have also found that there is only one person who can bring me out of this when I am there and that is ME!

So, in my quest to improve MENTALLY I hope to be a help to others who not only stuggle with depression, but also to those who do not understand it.

Life is hard oftentimes, and for some it is harder than others. Some people seem to be able to handle stress with not much problem, but some can hardly get through a stressful day without reaching for something to dull the pain.

In other words. We all have our little demons we must fight in life. This is mine. I will put him in his place daily and do whatever works to make my life less stressful and more meaningful.

I also remind myself daily that I am important and loved by many.

Enjoy today friend.....make it the best!

An interesting thing was said to me the other day; I was telling someone that I felt I needed to get to know 'me'. I felt that I had been so busy with raising kids, marriage, and so now that I am divorced and kids are older, I felt like it was time to get to know myself. Well... what I was told by this person was this... "You know who you are already. You have known since you were probably 12 years old. You have simply been resisting yourself because you are afraid that if you let 'you' be 'you' then you aren't sure if 'you' will be accepted by others.

I found this very intriguing to say the least. It is true; I have known who 'I' am since I was 12 years old. And yes, I am afraid of letting the true me show through for fear of rejection.

So, now I am learning - not so much to find out who 'I' am, but rather to let myself relax in being 'me'.

This may be confusing to some, but there are those that can totally relate to what I am saying here.

So.... before you go around in life trying to please everyone else while restraining yourself from being free to be you, just go ahead and let your inner self 'be'.

Well, a few days have passed since my last blog entry. Its been a busy week as always. Monday I was off and so was my son so we stayed in and enjoyed the day. Tuesday was back to work, not to bad since I'm self employed and my life and job are basically pretty laid back. ( I planned it that way). However, here we are on Thursday, I have not slept well this week at all, not sure why. I spent the evening with my boyfriend on Tuesday; we had very deep discussions and I feel good after our talks. I once again feel in awe that I have actually met such a interesting, deep, thoughtful, man. He really is something! The sun is out and has been for the last couple of days, so I was out sweeping my porch the other day during a nice sunny moment. When all of a sudden I see this small tiny child pushing on the screen from his upstairs bedroom. I freak, I knew this would happen eventually. I yell at the kid "Careful honey, move away from the window". I then go to the mothers door and knock only to find the teenage sister there babysitting. These people truly are a bit of a menace to the neighborhood. I tell the teen and she goes upstairs and simply shuts the window half way. Ughh, some people just don't get it. I mean, who in their right mind puts a child's bed next to a window. Anyways, that was the excitement for that day. Now I Have noticed another lady that lives here doing something different. First of all the complex is pretty much full of divorced people. So, here is this lady, she is single with kids and a bit dipsy. She is one of those people that is always smiling and friends with everyone. I don't know why, but I have a hard time with people like this. I mean, she is struggling like the rest of us,but she is so cute that she gets over on a lot of people and I think I might be a bit jealous of that. So, now I am seeing her car parked in front of the managers office every day. I knew he needed some assistance, but why did he choose her and not me? I mean, he knows I need the extra income too! Guess I just need to chill. I mean, this lady has been married two times and is divorced. How the heck does she get all the goodies she gets? I mean, she has fake boobs for goodness sakes! How do you get those on a fixed budget? Nevertheless, here I sit whining about it. Would I take fake boobs if I could get them, hmmm, not sure. Well, one thing about me is......... I do have a hard time with people like her that appear so friendly that you know they are fake. But, oh well, not my business. I don't really know why I am so nosey and get involved secretly in all these peoples lives, but what can I say, I walk around with my dog and lives are being lived all around me for the world to see. I just happen to be one of those people that see's.

Wow, what can I say, it's Monday, MLK Day... the weather was beautiful. Perfect for the march, which I did not go on, but kudos to those who did. So, this weekend I watched a movie called "The girl in the park". It had Sigourney Weaver in it. Anyways, Sigourney plays a mother who after her daughter is abducted at age 3 she looses her mind in a sense and after 20 years go by she meets a young woman that she decides is her long lost daughter... Now the reason I tell this is because I noticed something interesting. When Sigourney was sad and alone, her apartment was blah and colorless. However... when she met this young woman and thought life had come back to her, she stocked her kitchen with food, put out colorful dishes, ate good meals with wine and even entertained a lover. Yet, once this girl left her life... Sigourney went back to the blah look again and by passed the lover at work. All of this made me think that we women are all so much like this. When we have joy in our lives we have 'color'. When we don't, or when we are sad, our lives tend to look gray, so to speak. This made me think.... "I always hope to have color in my life". No matter what, I just want to be sure that my life is always full of color, full of love, life, joy, etc...

Good Morning, Its Saturday... The rain has passed and I woke up to sunshine, how wonderful is that? I slept late which is always nice, my bed is sooooo comfy.

I took the dog for her morning bathroom stroll. Nothing much happening in the apt neighborhood. I tend to be a self proclaimed "Gladys Cravitz". I have this terrible habit of being nosey... its just terrible. But, its kind of fun too. Last summer when I moved here I spent quite a bit of time at the pool. While I was not the most social thing, I did do alot of listening. I mean, you can't help it, people talk loud. So, I learned that one woman was trying to loose weight for an upcoming highschool reunion - and trust me, she needed to. Well, as the months wore on and I walked my dog.... I would see this lady and lo and behold.... she did loose the weight. I almost wanted to stop her and ask how she did it. But... I just walked on. Then there was this man at the pool.... he chatted with me and my friend. Then I noticed that he had this lady coming to his apartment like every day. They both had little kids, so I figured they must enjoy that and eachother. But... as some time went by, I noticed she was hanging outside of her own apartment alone. Looking sort of sad. Then one day I noticed another man at her place... he was not very attractive, but hey, I guess she just needed a man. Who knows. Then the other man, the first one she was with is sitting on his back porch with a friend, a guy. So I think, well maybe he got a roomate and she had to move on??? Well, then one day he has all his furniture out side his door, and I think he is moving, but then I see this other lady from a different apartment sitting on this back porch and he is grilling outside of her apartment?? I am confused, but then I realize that they traded apartments. Not sure why, its none of my business, but I can't help but wonder. Oh well. Meanwhile my next door neighbor moves out. They were nice neighbors, and you never know what your gonna get next. Thankfully it is a quiet guy who I think has his kids on the weekend. He keeps all his blinds shut, I am always curious about people who don't open blinds at all, ever. Then... there is this older man that lives across the way from me, at first he didnt live there, it was just a young man, like maybe his son. Then I see this old man and his wife living thier and then I see the son again. I wonder if he is in the service and comes and goes??? Who knows, its really none of my business. Well, today is beautiful outside, I really need to take my dog somewhere to play and run. My boyfriend wants me to come to his house, I haven't decided yet what to do. You know, its like I was expecting rain.....and then I get this gorgeous day. Its like an unexpected bonus, you get it without expecting it or planning for it and then your not sure what to do with it. I better figure it out soon or it'll be over! So long for now fellow readers and bloggers!

Well, good morning, its Jan. 15th, 2010. its raining cats and dogs outside and I just got in from taking my dog to go to the bathroom. She has to walk the entire complex before she finds just the right spot. Wonderful! I was well covered so no biggie, its not cold, just wet. So.. now I am inside, warm and dry. I'll be leaving for work soon, but I wanted to share a bit before I left.
My thoughts for today: Friendships.
As of last night I have officially had the opportunity to hold 3 teenagers and one adult (my x) as they wept bitterly in my arms as a result of failed, lack of or loss of friendship. Truly, its heartbreaking to say the least. This has led me once again to ponder on the "job" of making and/or maintaining friendships in life. Many of us make friends when we are young and often times grow up with them and they are a part of our lives forever. Some friends we make in young adulthood, some as young mothers, some in the workplace, etc... making friends is not the hard part usually; maintaining the friendship is the hard part. One must stay in touch, make phone calls to check in on their status, send notes, birthday cards, show compassion, care, etc.. Without this, the friendship tends to go into a lull and eventually sort of frizzles out. Yes, I agree they can be rekindled, but in this world of business, parenting, work, etc.. it can be difficult to maintain those relationships. However...for a teen/young person it is very painful when friends walk away because they just don't like you anymore. Thus was the case I was dealing with last night. I held my child as he sobbed about friendships that did not seem true. Mean things said about him at school that truly hurt not just his feelings, but mine as well when I heard them. So, of course in good motherly fashion when trying to think 'is there something I can do'? I find that holding a person in pain is usually the best thing to do, and that is what I did. I held the boy, (who by the way is about a foot taller than me) - as he sobbed on my shoulder. Interestingly enough, I, after having had a rather difficult week myself filled with stress and tears of my own, was totally dry and without tears. It seemed that all my weakness of this past week was suddenly gone and now I was strong for this young man who felt so hurt. I didn't offer a ton of advice, he didn't want that and I knew it. I simply held him, and then he went upstairs, took a bath as I suggested (simply because I know this helps me) and then.... he was back downstairs telling me he was sorry for breaking down on me like that and thanking me for being there and understanding. We played a game of checkers, had some hot cocoa - (which he offered to make) and then it was off to bed. The rain was coming down harder last night, so as I lay there listening to it I thought about the years I have spent with my emotional children, my emotional ex husband and my emotional self. I wondered how the heck I am still sane. But... The wonderful scripture "I can do all things through Christ who is my strength" came to mind and I knew that no matter what in life..... If God is in it....We Will Survive!!!! Instead of falling apart and trying to figure out how I could go grab a teenage boy and beg him to be my sons friend I simply settled with the assurance that in time, he will mature and grow out of some of the things that might cause him to push people away, that he will make friends that last and that he will be just fine! With that, I dozed off in a deep slumber. This experience has made me remember how important friendship is and how important it is to take good care of it. So... today, I will make a couple of phone calls just to say "Hi", and I will be thankful for the position I hold as MOTHER. What a wonderful thing it is.

January 15, 2010 6:35 AM

Hello, My name is Tina and I am totally new to this blog thing, but it has been on my mind to do and so here I am. I hope that as I share my thoughts with you that you will do one or more of the following:

Laugh - because you can totally relate.

Cry - because you can totally relate.

respond with your thoughts/opinions, etc....

Thanks for reading, so long for now