Wow, God still cares.

Due to some very un joyful experiences in 'the church' scene during my many years in it, I have spent the last four years (at least) away from church.

I also have not listened to Christian radio or music because of the bad memories it brought back to me. In other words - for a long time, I have been mad at GOD!

Yup, you heard it, mad at God. I mean after all, couldn't He of all people have made my life just a little bit easier. Why would HE allow me to struggle and watch people I love enjoy doing fun or nice things in life. Well, this anger has caused me to stay arms distance from Him for a long time. Now, since I know that God moves in very peculiar ways, I knew that eventually He would find a way that would work - to talk to me, AND HE DID! After a week of serious emotional up's and down's, I was worn out. Spent! I was achey, angry, bitchy, cranky, etc... But.... on Thursday, I noticed as soon as I woke up something odd was going on. My body did not hurt like it always did, I felt refreshed and hopped right out of bed. I got my son off to school, and headed for work. However, I had some time before I needed to start work so I parked at a convenience store to eat my breakfast and turned on the radio. Usually I listen to country or talk radio. But this morning I thought "Maybe I might find some refreshing words that could help me on the Christian radio". So, I scanned the dials until I fell upon a preacher that I was familiar with and one that I did respect, so I stopped and listened. Now, remember I had had a week of hell, feeling like I was going to be doing what I do forever, never getting ahead. I felt like God was done with me, my life was finished and now I was just exsisting. I felt like an old woman who had already lived her life. I felt as though I had made too many mistakes and now my future was sealed with a stamp that says "useless". Until I heard these words: "Don't be tethered to your past, rather, be tethered to Gods Word". and "We cannot predict HOW God is going to accomplish HIS WORD, only that He WILL accomplish it", and (my favorite).... "Even if you've lost time, you're not to old, If your still here, God is not finished with you".

Well, needless to say, all I could do was look up and say "thank you". I guess maybe there is a possible better future ahead for me. I truly needed a glimmer of hope and I got it.

Gods not done with me yet.

"

Looking back on dreams had, dreams lost, and the hope of dreams to come.........

Good Morning,

It's Monday, the beginning of a brand new week. I feel like I got a lot of things taken care of this weekend. Went through stacks of paperwork, Cleaned up my bedroom (which looked like a dressing room in a women's boutique after a huge sale), and managed to spend time with people I love. Going through the stacks of paperwork and old photos always gives opportunity for pondering, if for just a moment or two, on the past. As I picked up each folder and piece of paper I came across yet another bit of my own history. I even found the receipt for my and my x husbands original wedding bands that we purchased in 1984. Yikes. Weird. I don't even know what happened to that wedding band. Oh well.

I came across cute pics of my kids, loving cards that had been given to me by my sisters, etc...

Yet, something was different last night. It seemed easier to go through that stuff this time. Not as emotional. (I say this because I am an emotional woman, and strolling through memory lane can get me a bit teary eyed at times - mainly because I deal with regret alot). Anyways.... I found that even though I felt a twinge of sadness as I drifted through those memories, I also felt a new feeling. Not sure if I can even put a word to it. It was like I felt 'older'... like I have moved into a different place in life. The place you move into slowly as your children grow up and move away, the place you move into as you go through big changes in life. I just felt sort of like a more solid person. Like much of what I was looking at was so much of what has made me who I am. Like it or not! I am the woman that married at 19, who raised three kids with a man that was about as experienced in taking care of a family as I am at changing my oil. I am that woman that wrote pages and pages as I journaled my children's lives as they grew up. I am the woman that studies Scripture so deeply I wrote complete Bible studies to share at women's groups. I am the woman that was given love notes by my children so often I could make a scrapbook with the ones I saved over the years. Wow, what a life I have had. No wonder I often feel like an old lady ready for the rocker. AND YET... I am only 44 years old. My goodness. I am not an old woman. I haven't even gone to college completely yet for goodness sake. I have a manuscript with dust all over it that I have yet to finish for fear of the inability to get it published. I have not done many of the things I dreamed of doing for many years. Even though it does seem that some of those dreams have diminished with the changes that have taken place in my life over the last few years. The dream I had of hiking the Grand Canyon - left with the aches and pains that have invited themselves into my body. The dream of living in a neat home out in the country - gone with divorce and extreme financial hardships. The dream of being financially strong in my older years - gone with divorce and bad financial mistakes. So many dreams... gone! In fact, I can't really remember what dreams I really had. I think my biggest dream is to get a good book published before I die. At this point in my life I am not concentrating on dreams. Rather, I concentrate on being here for a teenage son as he goes through high school and prepares for life ahead. I concentrate on making enough to pay bills before they are cut off. I have to hold on to hope that one day..... I will once again have a collection of papers and such to go through that will bring some good memories back. Hope that dreams of things I 'want to do someday' will once again be a part of my life. Dreams that life can be better. This chapter is just not that wonderful.

depression sucks!

I have always struggled with depression, sometimes lightly, sometimes a little more severe. Recently I read an article where a woman wrote about a friend that would call her crying so hard that she could not understand a word she said. I have been that woman on more occasions than I would like to admit. A few years ago I finally came to a place that scared me, I was truly ready, (I felt) to end my life. I called my sister at 5 a.m. (I would have called at 3 a.m. but I didn't want to wake her). I told her I really wanted to jump in front of an 18 wheeler that day. I could no longer go on with my life. She pointed me in the right direction, I got help, was diagnosed with clinical depression, put on a great med and have not experienced the severity of that feeling since then. As anyone smart person would do when diagnosed with a disease, I began to study and find out whatever I could about depression. I had to accept it as a disease just as a person who is diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes, etc.. would. I had an illness and it needed to be treated. I learned in time that just as one must change their diet if they have diabetes, that a person with depression would need to change their thinking. Instead of allowing myself to wallow in negative or sad thoughts throughout a day I would have to train myself to stop and purposely find positive things to think on. This may not seem so hard to some people. I mean, hey, to me, eating healthy is not hard, but it is to the overweight person with diabetes. My problem was mental and I had a hard time accepting that due to many factors:

1. Our society really frowns on any mental illness.

2. People who don't have this problem think you should be able to 'get a grip'.

3. Nothing can be THAT bad.

Well, I found out that the serotonin levels in our brains can actually be dropped drastically by a particular instance in life that is either tragic, or in some way mind/emotion altering. For me personally, I was able to literrally point out the moment in my life when that thing happened. I also found out that what some may think is simply weird treatment toward another person, can actually also be considered abuse. I was sexually abused in several different ways, including mentally. I also experienced a tremendous amount of rejection, shame, embarrassment, abandonment, along with other things in my childhood/young adulthood. I married early because I desperately did not want to be alone. I did not know or allow myself to realize that inside of me was a strong, beautiful, creative person. I allowed myself to believe the lies that had been spoken over me in my lifetime, I believed I was dumb, fat, ignorant, poor, etc...
It has taken me most of my adult lifetime to find a doorway to freedom from this disease; I still take medication. I will not go off of it until or unless I know that I am ready. Everyday I have to remind myself that I am worthwhile, that I am a good person and that I have a reason for living.
Some may not believe that medication is the way to go, they may call it a cop out. I can only say to those people, "good luck if you ever get an illness that requires medication".
As a young Christian woman, I prayed a lot! I read every self help book on the shelf. I thought that maybe I needed to help others in need, so I counseled women that were hurting. I exercised, I ate right, I did it all. Yet I still found myself with a piece of glass at my wrist one day thinking maybe it was time to just be finished with this pain.

So, to those who feel medication is a cop out..... ask your parents what would happen if they stopped taking their blood pressure med.

To those who feel that taking vitamins is the only option.... let me know if it works after you've been raped.

I think you get the picture. Depression is a disease, it is hard and not fun. Like I said earlier, I do not have the terrible crying days like I did before as that woman wrote about. However I do still have days where I question my reason for being here. Where I doubt my self worth. But I have also found that there is only one person who can bring me out of this when I am there and that is ME!

So, in my quest to improve MENTALLY I hope to be a help to others who not only stuggle with depression, but also to those who do not understand it.

Life is hard oftentimes, and for some it is harder than others. Some people seem to be able to handle stress with not much problem, but some can hardly get through a stressful day without reaching for something to dull the pain.

In other words. We all have our little demons we must fight in life. This is mine. I will put him in his place daily and do whatever works to make my life less stressful and more meaningful.

I also remind myself daily that I am important and loved by many.

Enjoy today friend.....make it the best!

An interesting thing was said to me the other day; I was telling someone that I felt I needed to get to know 'me'. I felt that I had been so busy with raising kids, marriage, and so now that I am divorced and kids are older, I felt like it was time to get to know myself. Well... what I was told by this person was this... "You know who you are already. You have known since you were probably 12 years old. You have simply been resisting yourself because you are afraid that if you let 'you' be 'you' then you aren't sure if 'you' will be accepted by others.

I found this very intriguing to say the least. It is true; I have known who 'I' am since I was 12 years old. And yes, I am afraid of letting the true me show through for fear of rejection.

So, now I am learning - not so much to find out who 'I' am, but rather to let myself relax in being 'me'.

This may be confusing to some, but there are those that can totally relate to what I am saying here.

So.... before you go around in life trying to please everyone else while restraining yourself from being free to be you, just go ahead and let your inner self 'be'.

Well, a few days have passed since my last blog entry. Its been a busy week as always. Monday I was off and so was my son so we stayed in and enjoyed the day. Tuesday was back to work, not to bad since I'm self employed and my life and job are basically pretty laid back. ( I planned it that way). However, here we are on Thursday, I have not slept well this week at all, not sure why. I spent the evening with my boyfriend on Tuesday; we had very deep discussions and I feel good after our talks. I once again feel in awe that I have actually met such a interesting, deep, thoughtful, man. He really is something! The sun is out and has been for the last couple of days, so I was out sweeping my porch the other day during a nice sunny moment. When all of a sudden I see this small tiny child pushing on the screen from his upstairs bedroom. I freak, I knew this would happen eventually. I yell at the kid "Careful honey, move away from the window". I then go to the mothers door and knock only to find the teenage sister there babysitting. These people truly are a bit of a menace to the neighborhood. I tell the teen and she goes upstairs and simply shuts the window half way. Ughh, some people just don't get it. I mean, who in their right mind puts a child's bed next to a window. Anyways, that was the excitement for that day. Now I Have noticed another lady that lives here doing something different. First of all the complex is pretty much full of divorced people. So, here is this lady, she is single with kids and a bit dipsy. She is one of those people that is always smiling and friends with everyone. I don't know why, but I have a hard time with people like this. I mean, she is struggling like the rest of us,but she is so cute that she gets over on a lot of people and I think I might be a bit jealous of that. So, now I am seeing her car parked in front of the managers office every day. I knew he needed some assistance, but why did he choose her and not me? I mean, he knows I need the extra income too! Guess I just need to chill. I mean, this lady has been married two times and is divorced. How the heck does she get all the goodies she gets? I mean, she has fake boobs for goodness sakes! How do you get those on a fixed budget? Nevertheless, here I sit whining about it. Would I take fake boobs if I could get them, hmmm, not sure. Well, one thing about me is......... I do have a hard time with people like her that appear so friendly that you know they are fake. But, oh well, not my business. I don't really know why I am so nosey and get involved secretly in all these peoples lives, but what can I say, I walk around with my dog and lives are being lived all around me for the world to see. I just happen to be one of those people that see's.